this is about halfway into my first chapter, so sorry if it's a little confusing. I just need help eliminating unneeded detail. I want to tighten it up without losing anything important. I also need to work on using more words than "i". Thank you!
I stood up to face him. "Dad, don't start. It's a lame excuse and you know it. I'm sick of listening."
I walked over to the front door and went out to my red Chevy blazer that was sitting in the driveway. It was hard to believe that my father had gotten it for my only a year ago, on my sixteenth birthday. That was back when we actually got along.
I climbed into the front seat and shut the door. With a sigh, I put the key in the ignition and pulled out to the road. I wasn't sure where I was going to go, but I just needed to get away from him and my problems for a little while.
The sun is now completely down and the town around me is clear of traffic. The memory has carried me even further away from home. It has to be almost midnight. I consider turning back, but only for a moment. I'm not ready to talk to my dad again. Not yet.
I just can't take anymore of his lies. He said that moving to Chicago would be good for all of us, but the only thing it was good for was his job and the woman he met in the office, the very woman who tore my parents' marriage apart as my dad spent more and more hours at work every night.
He never cared that his wife was at home with dinner waiting, or that she spent more her nights crying and leaving me to care for my baby sister, Libby. Never once did he ask me if I missed living in the country. He just never cared. Period.
First of all, I'd like to say, THANK YOU!
Finally, a writer (no offense to other people on Y!A) on here that actually doesn't have a clue about writing. Finally, I don't have to lie and sprinkle sugar and pour honey all over my answers to make it seem like I'm not a "b**** who is mean and thinks she's so awesome and puts other writers down." (Which I have been called, in other accounts that are long forgotten.)
I hate doing that. I really do. I don't like being falsely nice, or seemingly being mean. I don't like it when I give a good, honest answer and someone spits in my face, "OH YEAH?!?!?!?!?! WELL UR JUST A B****! IDC WUT U SAY, IM A GOOD WRITER SO THERE! YOU CANT CRUSH MY DREAMS!"
Really. I don't. I hate those little cry baby writers who can't suck it up and take real criticism. That's the real world.
Then, with their manuscript full of grammar mistakes, poor sentence structure and wrong dialogue formatting (such as " 'Hi.' said Bob."), they actually think someone will publish it. They send it off to an agent, publishing house, whatever, and it goes in the slush pile and some poor editor has to go through the process of reading two sentences and trying to write a reply letter recounting the mistakes without the author bursting into tears and sending angry reply letters. (No spell mistakes, because they hog the spell check and that's the reason for the " 'Hi. Said Bob.' things)
Please understand, I'm not trying to be mean. I can accept people who have mistakes in their writing. It's just when I try to help them and they go screaming in my face is when I can't stand it. There were some people who took my comments nicely, and they actually improved a lot. I like those people. They accept that they made a mistake. They take my advice. And it turns out they're really an awesome writer. Then I go, "Yay! Happy happy joy joy dance!" I want to help people. I want to make sure that more manuscripts in slush piles everywhere are going to get published.
You won't ever have that problem, trust me. You're going to get published and prove your dad wrong.
on to your question. Sorry about the rant. -_______-;;
There aren't really that much "I"'s when compared to other published novels. I mean, look at Twilight. (As most Anti-Twi writers say, "Hey! If that crap can get published, why can't I?")
There is a misspelling, in "I can't believe my father had only gotten it for MY only a year ago." (Me)
I've reread it around ten times, and I can't really find any extra details. Good job! Most unprofessional writers have a tendency to go into too MUCH detail, but you don't seem to have that problem at all.
Don't listen to that "Answer" person who rewrote a part for you...her version is actually a lot worse. Errhm, don't listen to that lone wolf lady either--she's adding more details, and more details is exactly what you DON'T WANT. Her details are unnecessary--you explain all the vital points in the story already.
Don't stop writing, ever. You have talent, potential, and these days, the world needs more people like you. Especially book publishing houses. Don't give up your dream, no matter what anyone says. J.K. Rowling was rejected 12 times, and look how she turned out! Hold on to that dream, and strive towards it everyday. Work hard, and you'll eventually find your place in the world.
♥ your personality ;)
The only thing I'd suggest is calling the dad "Dad" all throughout the story, as I find it kind of...idk...funny? Improper?...when someone calls their dad "Dad" and then they suddenly call their dad "father." I think it sticks out like a sore thumb. (Sam thing with Mom) Meh. Anyway, that's what I do, but you may have a different style. I hope you finish! :)
Can you e-mail what you have so far to me? I'd really like to read it :)