How do I get rid of my hatred, it's eating me up. 13 years ago I married a man with a daughter from previous marriage.
My stepdaughter was very young when I first met her and was living with her mom. My husband always thought parenting was to be friends with your kids but he was completely incapable of helping his daughter with emotional problems and issues and there were plenty. Her mom is a emotionally disconnected person too so she wasn't there for this girl either. We were very close for 11 years until she moved to us, and had changed into this unbearable self centered brat. She was a stranger. My husband started buying her things, very expensive things that our children together never got. That I could only dream of. I lost all respect for him and her and started questioning my role in this family.Why was I always last on the list? Didn't they get I had dreams and aspirations too? In doing so and speaking up for the first time in years my stepdaughter started hating me and called me every nasty word in the book. I was a "pathetic looser and backstabbing *****". Needless to say I developed anxiety attacks and came in to a major crisis. Thought they were there for me? Think again. I was a "complaining selfish *****" and my husband, needless to say didn't say much. It was horrible. My stepdaughter moved out and now lives in another city where she studies to no surprise what I always wanted to study but never could because of family, money issues and putting everbody else first.
I feel so stupid, used and betrayed that when I needed help and reassurance, there was absolutely none there for me from her och my husband. She's a young adult now and if it wasn't for me she probably would have committed suicide or taken heavy drugs in the surburb she lived in with her mom. I was her "inspiration" she said and she took what she needed from me and dumped me when I needed friendship and respect back. She point blank told me "I'll take your clothes if you don't want them but I don't need "your problems" in my life."
I am so hurt and so angry for all of this. Things are not "great" between my husband and her but they talk on the phone of course which is none of my business, they need to work on their relationship by themselves (something I always helped them with too in the past).
Things just go on and neither her and him talks about me, not the slighest remorse or bad feelings for treating me badly. I'm stunned that I was "so important" all those years until I wansn't needed anymore and now I'm trash, Used up and forgotten.
How do I get rid of my resentment?
Good grief some of the responses you are getting are so clueless and rude.
Here is my opinion. Parenting is not the hardest job in the world...step-parenting is.
What you are going through is unfortunately very common to step-parents. It would have been nice to know this before you married, but at least you can warn others including your own biological kids before they would ever get into such a situation.
I'm not sure what to suggest. You don't have to even deal with your step-daughter if you don't want to. That might help some. Some relationships can be so strained, the abuse so bad that they can be permanently ended. I honestly see nothing wrong with that.
You can try to forgive her, not dwell on her, but you don't have to deal with her. You can even tell your husband that he can see her alone but you don't want her in your life. I know people who had it so bad with their step-kids that they ended the relationship forever. You don't have to keep being abused.
I'd see what you could do about making sure your husband starts funneling money into your life and not into his daughter's anymore. She is an adult and has had more than enough. Tell him you want money funneled to your education, dreams, savings, etc.
I'm not sure how to get your husband to see he has mistreated you, except by reminding him and insisting he do better.
Make sure you hang around with people that value you. Your friends, your family, etc. Let hubby know if he wants to see daughter it should not be on your turf. He needs to realize a wife comes first, I repeat a wife comes first. This is true of a regular or blended family. Without a spouse coming first things fall apart as you have seen.
Let hubby know there is to be no more funneling money to his daughter. Make sure you know what the situation is with his will and life insurance. Make sure you get compensated extra for the past errors in judgement that favored his daughter when he should have been taking care of you.
If I think of more, I'll come back and add it later.
Ok so this is probably silly of me but I need some one to help me determine something. This guy I really care for, who cares for me too, won't date me because of this other girl. This girl is his cousins stepdaughter. and she's 11 or 12 and hes 18.well she is jealous of me. But she told this guy that she had a dream they got married. She said that maybe God sent the dream.This guy believes that all dreams have a lil truth in them. Later on, maybe a month (if not,longer)? after that he had a dream they got married too. He believes for some reason that God sent him the dream. We are all three Christians and I believe that God sends dreams but I don't know what to make of this. My heart is breaking. I'm praying about it but God won't reveal the answer to me. Wouldn't that mean this guy is practically gonna marry his second stepcousin? Is that family? Would God tell him to date his cousins stepdaughter? Especially when she's so young? He's going into the army for 6 years and then she'll be 17. I will continue praying about it. I just don't know what to do...he asked me what I thought of the situation and I was upset and didn't want him to see that so I told him that I believe God does send dreams and if he really thinks that was a God sent dream then he shouldn't let anything stand in the way.
Last night I dreamed of a strange Cinderella-like story; it took place in 17 century England, London was under Puritanism, they weeded out all Catholics and Pagans and destroyed statues of the Virgin Mary/Goddess. and here is were Cinderella character comes along, her mother died giving birth to her while under the statue of the Virgin Mother in some sort of graveyard. Her Puritan Father married an unkind woman with two most beautiful but arrogant and self-righteous daughters. The women of this time were looked down upon, Men called them daughters of temptation, which might explain why the stepmother seemed so cruel even to her own kind, but mostly to her stepdaughter because she was headstrong, optimistic, stubborn and (in her mind) not Biblically feminine. She would beat and strap her until her back was blue and bloody. The step-family left for a holiday to look at the handsome prince/king of some rich country and forbade the poor girl and if she was rebellious, the step mother threaten her to send her to a brothel and if she ran away she would have her chased as a thief and whore. the daughter ran towards the graveyard to cry, and she found the Virgin mother statue and wept underneath it. Until, a very ugly old woman dressed in black appeared and scared her, she thought she was a pagan witch, but the Pagan woman helped her in a fairy godmother way, but as the girl turned around to thank the Pagan woman, she saw the statue of the Virgin Mary winked at her.
What does this mean?
My stepdaughter is 13. I've been in her life since she was 9. Her mom died when she was 7, but her parents weren't together or married at the time.
At first things were shaky, but not bad. Then we got married and when people would start saying our daughter when referring to her and she would flip out. One day she shouted at my mom for telling me I had a very good daughter. She also cried and said I'm not her mom, she has a mom. She hasn't made a Mothers Day card for anyone but her two grandmothers (her bio moms mom and my husbands mom). She doesn't call my parents her grandparents and doesn't like going to their house. It wasn't bad until they started calling her one of the grandkids, then she would get upset/act out.
She started a new school last year. They don't know the situation like her old school did and they will say her parents, instead of her dad. It's gotten her into trouble because she tells the teacher she doesn't have parents anymore, she only has a dad. She told one of her teachers that I'm not her real mom or her real parent, I'm just her dads wife. It's exhausting and neither of us likes asking people to stop referring to me as a parent/mom because it makes me look like an evil stepmother, but my stepdaughter will quite literally cry. She told her counselor that she doesn't like people calling me her mom or parent because of her mom. She said she wants people to know who her real mom is. And she hates when people think I'm her mom. Help!
so when i dated my husband he didnt have custody of his daughter, then we got married and we had her every other weekend! well now he has FULL custody shes been living with us for the past 3 weeks!she is 6yrs. old and shes a sweetheart.i do love her BUT we NEVER have time to do anything!its always about her!she wakes up at 7am and jumps in our bed(we used to sleep naked now we dont cause she comes in in the morning) when i shower i usually like to be naked while i do my makeup and hair and shes in the room and i cant.(she has her OWN room)when my husband and i are alone in the room and shes say playing a video game watching t.v. etc.. she comes in every 5-10 min to just bother us and say "daddy this daddy that" and its not something that she acually needs help with.we NEVER have time to go out because there is NO ONE to babysit her, he doesnt want someone SHE DOESNT KNOW (even if we do) my family is always busy (plus shes not related to them so why should they) and her mom burned bridges with his family(she cant have contact with NO ONE from his family) so we never do anything with each other alone!we are gona be 1 yr. together and we had planned this romantic 1 night getawat at a hotel and we cant because whos gona take care of her? yes i was aware he had a child but the only reason he got full custody is because the mom did something dumb to get her to lose custody so technically she wasnt soppose to live with us! i know i have to grow up and deal with it but every day im in a bad mood because of this and i cant help it... he notices and gets mad sure i dont blame him but i cant help it! he pays soo much attention to her it even makes me jelouse now because he doesnt listen to me! i seriously feel like im just there to cook and clean for them!shes so ungrateful too she always says mean things like "i wish you and daddy werent married so my mommy and daddy would be married" or "i dont want you to have babies with daddy because daddy wont love me"her mother is a ******* piece of crap that had the disgrace to put on a court statement "i live of foodstamps,my families help, and my childsupport i get from my daughter" she has 2 other kids with her now husband and he makes "300$" a month and yet she doesnt work cause she has to breast feed! what a trashy b itch
i extremely nice to her she even says she loves me more than her mom and im nicer than her mom! this is really imature to be angry and jelous of a child but u dont live what i live so dont judge me!
on july 15 theres another court and the judge will decide if she will permenetly live with us or move back!
truth is i hope she goes back shes causing major damage in my marriage the only reason i would want her to saty with us is so he can stop paying child support and taking care of that b itches kids and low life husband!sometimes were broke because of this crap!
i have talked to him about it and ive said it in such a nice way but he feels all offensive like if its something negative about his daughter he doesnt see the point im trying to get across and he says he doesnt want to be strict because hes scared shes gona want to go back to her mom's house!
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and my step daughter has lived with us for the last 4 years. I have 2 boys from a previous marriage 10 and 13 yrs old. We have plenty of space and money for another child or 2 and want to foster adopt. We went through the foster care classes, did the home study and everything needed for foster to adopt. A few months ago my step daughter decided she didn't want us to have a child and refused to give a copy of her drivers license so they could do a background check to complete everything and still refuses. This was a total suprise to us, since all times before when we had mentioned it to everyone in the family - all the kids were supportive. Since then she refuses to cooperate. I have paid for to start community college this month and go to counselling to try to work this out. I am wondering if anyone else has experienced & if you have any suggestions/ideas. I thought after having Xmax with her Grandmother that she might reconsider.
It's complicated. I'm a 43 year old six-figure salary career man. I've had countless girlfriends that didn't last. As a result, I didn't marry or have children. However, in 2005, I met the woman of the dreams. Her name is Diane. She's a beautiful, amazing successful lawyer 12 years my senior. She has a 24 year old daughter named Kirsten; sadly, Kirsten's father died of leukemia 15 years ago. Last year in March 2008, Diane and I got married. I'm happy and I love this woman more than life itself. However, I always wanted children but I never had the chance. Diane always wanted MORE children but she was only blessed with Kirsten. Diane is in her fifties and she's post-menopausal; so impregnating her was out of the question. We considered adoption but we decided that we somehow want a child that has both our blood in him/her. Kirsten is Diane's best friend in addition to being her daughter, so she agreed to postpone med school to be a surrogate mother for us. Diane made it clear that it will only happen via artificial insemination...no exceptions. Kirsten will give up her parental rights and just be the big sister. So, Kirsten and I tried artificial insemination four times, but she didn't get pregnant. I desperately wanted a child. So, as a last resort, I asked Kirsten to try it the "natural way". She was very hesitant but it took a LOT of persuasion on my part until she finally agreed. So, we secretly had sex and now she's 2 months pregnant. The baby is due in April and Diane is extremely excited and full of joy. But she has no clue how it really happened. Part of me feels guilty; part of me doesn't. Kirsten is CLEARLY feeling guilty though. She and I feel so awkward around each other. We don't have feelings for each other or anything. This was strictly business. Do you think we were wrong although our intentions were sincere? I love my wife so much and I feel terrible for keeping it a secret from her. Should I take it to the grave with me? I don't want this to ruin our marriage and I certainly don't want to break that strong bond between Diane and Kirsten. What should I do?
My stepdaughter lost her mom when she was 10 so I know she's still grieving that loss and doesn't like to see her dad with another woman, but we've had some extremes with her. Like the fact she told my husband she had dreams of me dying and was so happy. She even told him she would be happier if I were to die. She refuses to have anything to do with me and you can take away her freedom and possessions all you like, her hatred of me is stronger than her need to go out with friends or do anything fun. Her school has called my husband and myself several times because she's written long rants about how much she hates/despises me while there and has even read some out to the class. A year and a half ago or so, my husband put her into counseling and since then she's seen 3 different counselors and all have them have said she doesn't even try. She says what she wants and doesn't want to listen. My husband has told her she has to show me respect and to stop saying the nasty things she does say about me. Then he had a heart to heart with her and asked her why she hates me so much (this was after what we thought was a breakthrough) and she told him it's because he married me. Wasn't her mom enough? You see, her moms mom was widowed for decades and never dated/remarried and she believes her dad should have done the same if he loved her mom and her views on that mean she hates me with a fiery passion. She's 15 now and things continue to worsen.
for me this dream seemed really real at the time, because it started off that i had been sleeping in the car. [so it felt like i just woke up.] i woke up and my mom had driven to los angeles. [i live in new orleans.] we were just driving around trying to find a place to go and have fun. i wanted to see a museum or something, and she wanted to go to the beach. while we were driving, there was a break in a bridge and our car hopped down under the bridge to a parking garage [we were fine, though] but my mom must have been distracted because there was a staircase in front of us [while in the parking garage] and i kept saying "MOM MOM MOM!" because i knew we were about to crash and once we hit it it looked like we went straight through it but we really were dying. i started crying and my last words were "we're already dead." for a tiny moment i felt my bones cracking and thought 'maybe i'm just hurt a little' but i died and it went black and i woke up.
it really worries me because in a car crash i don't ever want my last words to be "we're already dead." i'd rather them be something like "i love you" or something. and i don't know WHY i had this dream. yesterday my mom was home from work late and i guess i was scared that she had been in an accident or something. could that be the only reason for it? what does this dream mean?
feel free to ask for clarification.