How do I get rid of my hatred, it's eating me up. 13 years ago I married a man with a daughter from previous marriage.
My stepdaughter was very young when I first met her and was living with her mom. My husband always thought parenting was to be friends with your kids but he was completely incapable of helping his daughter with emotional problems and issues and there were plenty. Her mom is a emotionally disconnected person too so she wasn't there for this girl either. We were very close for 11 years until she moved to us, and had changed into this unbearable self centered brat. She was a stranger. My husband started buying her things, very expensive things that our children together never got. That I could only dream of. I lost all respect for him and her and started questioning my role in this family.Why was I always last on the list? Didn't they get I had dreams and aspirations too? In doing so and speaking up for the first time in years my stepdaughter started hating me and called me every nasty word in the book. I was a "pathetic looser and backstabbing *****". Needless to say I developed anxiety attacks and came in to a major crisis. Thought they were there for me? Think again. I was a "complaining selfish *****" and my husband, needless to say didn't say much. It was horrible. My stepdaughter moved out and now lives in another city where she studies to no surprise what I always wanted to study but never could because of family, money issues and putting everbody else first.
I feel so stupid, used and betrayed that when I needed help and reassurance, there was absolutely none there for me from her och my husband. She's a young adult now and if it wasn't for me she probably would have committed suicide or taken heavy drugs in the surburb she lived in with her mom. I was her "inspiration" she said and she took what she needed from me and dumped me when I needed friendship and respect back. She point blank told me "I'll take your clothes if you don't want them but I don't need "your problems" in my life."
I am so hurt and so angry for all of this. Things are not "great" between my husband and her but they talk on the phone of course which is none of my business, they need to work on their relationship by themselves (something I always helped them with too in the past).
Things just go on and neither her and him talks about me, not the slighest remorse or bad feelings for treating me badly. I'm stunned that I was "so important" all those years until I wansn't needed anymore and now I'm trash, Used up and forgotten.
How do I get rid of my resentment?
Good grief some of the responses you are getting are so clueless and rude.
Here is my opinion. Parenting is not the hardest job in the world...step-parenting is.
What you are going through is unfortunately very common to step-parents. It would have been nice to know this before you married, but at least you can warn others including your own biological kids before they would ever get into such a situation.
I'm not sure what to suggest. You don't have to even deal with your step-daughter if you don't want to. That might help some. Some relationships can be so strained, the abuse so bad that they can be permanently ended. I honestly see nothing wrong with that.
You can try to forgive her, not dwell on her, but you don't have to deal with her. You can even tell your husband that he can see her alone but you don't want her in your life. I know people who had it so bad with their step-kids that they ended the relationship forever. You don't have to keep being abused.
I'd see what you could do about making sure your husband starts funneling money into your life and not into his daughter's anymore. She is an adult and has had more than enough. Tell him you want money funneled to your education, dreams, savings, etc.
I'm not sure how to get your husband to see he has mistreated you, except by reminding him and insisting he do better.
Make sure you hang around with people that value you. Your friends, your family, etc. Let hubby know if he wants to see daughter it should not be on your turf. He needs to realize a wife comes first, I repeat a wife comes first. This is true of a regular or blended family. Without a spouse coming first things fall apart as you have seen.
Let hubby know there is to be no more funneling money to his daughter. Make sure you know what the situation is with his will and life insurance. Make sure you get compensated extra for the past errors in judgement that favored his daughter when he should have been taking care of you.
If I think of more, I'll come back and add it later.
My first thought when I read this was...Welcome to Motherhood! You've fallen into self pity and self loathing. I also hear a lot of jealousy. The good news is that your no different than a LOT of other mothers today and yesterday! All the ppl knocking you for feeling the normal feelings a mother feels when she's being neglected is preposterous. Now what to do about all these pent up frustrations? Enroll in a college near you. Even if the class is basket weaving. You'll feel better. Let's not forget, YOU are the ADULT. The other half to that marriage and capable of writing a check to pay for your own tuition and books. There are plenty of online classes for you if you don't have the time or a way to work college into your life as a mother. Don't wait for others to give you what you feel you need. Take it for yourself. Buy it for yourself. You are an adult. Be the adult. Once you start taking what you've felt you deserve as "payment" for being so supportive all those years you'll feel WAY better! If you don't work so he has the money ask him for money to pay for x y z and use it to get yourself some thing you've always wanted. Use the money to make a down payment on some thing expensive you can only "dream of". Over time you will have saved enough to buy what ever it is you feel you desire but feel you haven't the money to purchase. I covet a dish washer! lol So make it into a game. When ever he or she does or says something that makes you so upset write it down in a journal and "charge them" for it. example: if he buys her a dvd movie that you asked for last month he gets "charged" the price of that movie. You will then ask for that amount of money for "little jonny's school fee or school lunch" and presto...you have the movie too! Now I'm only saying this cuz you make it sound like your hubby won't just give you money to buy what you want. So if that is the case you can do it the sneaky way. If he does give you money and all you must do is ask...then by all means ASK. But anyways, I hope you get the idea here. It's all about how you must some how feel justified and appreciated. Some times takers are just that TAKERS. So you must take things right back. But you can do all this with out causing any arguments. Good luck!
Its very hard, and this is another prime example (god, I've seen so many throughout the years), where people will suit themselves no matter what. Yes he was grateful to you for years, you willingly took on his daughter and played a large part in her upbringing, yet when it came down to it, he disrespected you greatly. I would find it hard to deal with the resentment too if I were you. Do you have a good friend who would let you vent your anger and cry on her shoulder? Failing that, a therapist might help you get over the anger issues. But after seeing your husband for what he is, its gonna take a great deal of time to forgive him. if you ever can. But one thing I will tell you, bitterness and resentment is the greatest downfall a person will ever know. It will make you a terribly unhappy person and as you say at the beginning of your question, it will "eat you up". Letting go is the hardest thing in the world to do. If we all knew how to do this, we'd feel so much better within ourselves!
I think when it comes to your children, biological or otherwise, we all feel stupid, used and betrayed. We do so much for them and they do not see it- that is until they grow up and have families of their own. You should feel good about yourself for being there when she needed you emotionally and that she is still here today because of it. You do need to remember that as parents we are here for them, to support them but as far as them being there for our emotional well being, I think that is not where to get it. It should come from friends, other family members (siblings), and probably your husband. I think that is where alot of your resentment is, with your husband, who should have listened to you about buying expensive gifts, and backed you on how this girl should have been raised. You need to talk to him, maybe seek therapy to help you resolve these issues. As far as your step daughter- just treat her like you would treat your own daughter, be there for her, be nice to her. She will eventually see you and what you have done. Holding resentment towards her isn't helping the relationship- I was a horrible child, I called my mom names, and I was very disrespectful towards her- Now she is my best friend and I talk to her every day. I also called both my father and mother to appoligize for being that way because now I have a son who is being the same way- all teens go through that. I have sought outside help with those same kind of issues and feelings you have and everyone tells me I am doing everything right and what I can. Look to others for validation, trust me I am so much better emotionally for doing so.
Also call her, apologize that you do not have a better relationship with her, even if you feel you are in the right, and that you want to make it better. Keep it light, not too deep in emotion. She'll come around, you will feel better and then you will also get the validation that you did a good job parenting! No one gave us a hand book, everyone says parenting is a thankless job and the hardest job ever. Try to let the negative things go and be good to yourself- you did the best you could- that is all you can do!
If you do nothing it's going to continue to eat you up inside, and the more you let this eat you up, the more you will resent your husband and his daughter.
The idea thing to do would be to arrange for her to be there perhaps at Christmas or another celebratory time (or next time she's home) and speak to your husband beforehand about this issue also. It's time that everybody aired their grievances IMO or it's inevitable that you will go your separate ways. You cannot continue to live like this and you don't deserve to! Have you considered going to marriage counselling with your husband? It could be that he too has found the past years difficult but has been unable to deal with the situation for fear of losing his daughter? Maybe that's why he bought her the gifts?
I take my hat off to you for raising another persons' child and giving her a life that her mother presumably couldn't, you haven't asked for a lot in return that being some respect and acknowledgment for all your hard work from her OR your husband.
Good Luck x
I am also married with a step daughter but her resentment and hatred towards me started at an early age and other people were part of the reason .step parenting is not easy at all ive ben doing it for 11 years and now shes 13 and it just gets harder your always going to be the one in their eyes the bad one but you have to live for you go back to school get that education and career you want make a stand tell your husband this is what im doing for me and you will help,find every financial aid and grant you can get. child care assistance and i promise you you will feel better about yourself and in return you will let go of a lot of that resentment and be able to just forgive .Right now i just do me and not worry about his relationship with his daughter i let him do what he wants and don't say a word he thinks being friends is the way to go well go ahead .
I think you need to speak with a counselor.
I do think your feelings are highly warrented. How hurt you must feel being treated like a used dishrag. You did nothing to deserve this treatment.
Start working on YOURSELF now. What do YOU want to do? You cannot change these selfish people. But you can change how you feel about your life, by making positive things happen for YOU.
I wish you every good blessing. Most of us mom's really sacrifice a lot...and give up many dreams for the benefit of others.
Children strike out at those they feel will love them no matter what. If your that person then it will be asy when the stepchild needs somebody they will find you. Not maybe a good analagy but when a dog barks at you have you ever satyed calm and sat down and the dog came to you. Make your spirit right, maybe even with God, and you will find the peace and maybe even a little love returned.
I feel for you it's so easy to get jealous, especially when it comes to your husband the person who is supposed to love you the most. Try not to resent the daughter, I don't think she has trully tried to hurt you. Children even teenagers don't know how to show there feelings, and can be misunderstood most of the time. She said you were her inspiration you should be so proud. One day she'll thank you for what you've done for her, but right now she doesn't know that she needs you. Try to be proud...you should be.
Wow, I am so sorry you had to go through all that. I wish I had a great step-mom like you. Mine wouldn't even let my dad have anything to do with us. If I were you I would now take time for yourself. Go back to school or do something that you really want to do. You need your self esteem back. Have you tried talking to your husband? I wish the best for you and hope you have a Happy Holidays!